‘Act’ Your Way to a Feeling

Have you ever had the thought, “I don’t feel like doing that?” Or maybe, “I will do it when I feel like it?”

One of the most impactful lessons I learned early in my career was you don’t feel your way to an ‘action’; you ‘act’ your way to a feeling. At the time, the comment was referencing the need to do the daily disciplines it would take to grow my business. This was great advice that I needed to hear at the time, and that I have learned to apply to other aspects of life – relationships, especially with your spouse, being one.

This past week, leading up to Nikki and my 19^th wedding anniversary, I found myself revisiting the importance of our ‘actions’. While I wouldn’t wish it any other way, the truth is our 19 years haven’t been without our fair share of heartaches, bumps, and bruises. In full transparency, there have been times that our relationship didn’t ‘feel’ great at all. So, what did we do in those challenging moments? We made the choice to ‘act’ differently.

As our good friend and counselor often says, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.” Essentially, you are not going to feel better until you ‘act’ better. I look back today recognizing it was the ‘actions’ we took and the habits we have formed that have allowed us to continue forward wiser and more in love than the day we said, “I do”.

Like anything, we get off track at times, but when our relationship ‘feels’ right, it can in large part be attributed to God’s grace and four specific ‘actions’:

1. Prioritize time to talk daily. Our counselor calls it “couch time”. Whether it happens sitting on the couch when we get home, or taking a walk around the neighborhood, we make time to talk.
2. Date each other weekly. I was introduced to my first leadership/life coach around the same time Nikki and I were married, and he advised me to have a date night on the calendar each week. At the time, I was working 60-70 hours per week, and this habit was critical to us staying connected early in our marriage. 19 years later, there is no doubt that continuing to date each other has been foundational to maintaining that connection.
3. Invest (time/money) in counseling monthly. During one of our rough patches, we got connected with a Christian counselor whom we both value greatly. As we worked through that challenge, Nikki and I agreed it was a good investment to have time each month where we can talk through whatever life has thrown our way. Frankly, I believe this has been one of the best ‘actions’ we have made in our marriage and therefore, we have no plans of stopping. 
4. Read a book together annually. Usually, it is on a topic related to marriage or parenting. These books have not only provided great insight, but also laid the foundation for meaningful conversations.
5. Take vacations with just the two of us regularly. I am a believer in always having a vacation on the calendar, as it gives you something to be looking forward to when life gets challenging.

I once read the quote, “What you appreciate, appreciates.”While far from perfect, over the last 19 years I have seen its wisdom and will continue to intentionally apply it to our marriage for as long as God gives me that opportunity.

19 years ago, on this day, we said “I do” – and I couldn’t be more grateful for the time we have been given and look forward to many more years of ‘acting’ our way to a feeling.